The Guilt

I was expected to be a chemist but ended up I became an engineer. I got married in 2016 and moved alongside my husband in a small city located at the east coast of the country. I decided to resign my job at that time and hoping to find a new one at the new place.

But again, expectation failed me. I ended up became a full time housewife. It was really hard to find a job that related to my previous experience here and that brought me a big turning point. A year later my daughter was born and thus, completed my life transition period.

I was once a career woman but now I’m a jobless. I was once a single woman but now I’m a happily married. I was once a devoted wife to my beloved husband but now I have to divide my responsibility and carry a new title as a “mom”. That is the series of transition that really change the way I look towards “life”. At first, it was a quite hard for me to process certain changes that I went through. But I think the major problem that made up the burden is the GUILT.

GUILT 1.0 – FROM A CAREER WOMAN TO A JOBLESS ONE

The first guilt that I had was when I have to quit my job. I was an engineer at one of this electronic company in my hometown and that made me feel very contented. I was really proud with who I was. I managed to complete my degree and had a very ideal job; at my hometown where I don’t have to worry about being apart from my family and friends.

It took me only 10 minutes to reach my office everyday where I don’t have to face the massive traffic as everyone did. Six months before I get married, I started to find job at the city that I about to live with my future husband but I never received any interview request at once. I tried to be positive with this and kept telling myself that the right things will definitely come at the right moments.

My husband and I were long-distance-relationship’s survivors. Being far apart from day one knowing each other made us decided to live together right after we got married. I also believe that living together will be an easy platform for us to create a better family, a better future.

So as a devoted wife as I claimed to be, I chose to resign with the hope that I will find another job when I move later on. As we plan, God also plans and again, I failed to secure any job within the first two years.

The guilt of not manage to continue my career as I planned was really hit me down. I felt very useless and demotivated. Being far from your known friends and family is really challenging. Furthermore, I was still adapting in the new city where everything seems to be different at first.

Doing house chores were not really challenging for me where I don’t have to put my brain to think much harder. Most of the routines will be finished throughout the morning and after that I will stuck to find what else I can do. My day will end up being not so productive.

GUILT 2.0 – FROM HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE TO PARENTS

Being a mother is a special moment that I believed every woman in this world want to experience. There may be a moment after you find out the result of your pregnancy test when you are the only person in the world who knows this special secret before you let your partner do.

In between challenging and frustrating times after your baby was born, you experienced shining moments of pure love and joy that make it all worthwhile. I’ve been lucky to have many of those beautiful moments. That doesn’t mean I have been spared the difficult ones, though.

It has to be destined when my daughter reached 8-month-old, I got a job as QA Engineer, here in this small city. My husband witnessed how happy I was at that time. Without any hesitation, I accepted the offer and looking forward to start over my career journey in about three week time from the day I received the offer.

I remember one time where it was about a week before I had to report my duty, I felt something strange every time I look at my daughter. The bittersweet feeling when you realize how much you are going to miss a moment while you are still living in it. I was with her from the day one she came out to the world.

Yes, your life is harder since you had a child. You do not travel lightly. You are physically and mentally encumbered and tasks like shopping are far more onerous than they ever used to be. Parenthood is far more difficult than I anticipated it would be.

There will be days that I feel like a supermom and other days I feel like the worst mom that ever exist. The beautiful thing is that my daughter loves me on the good and the bad days. That really touched my heart the deepest. At the end, I still went to report my duty, but I finally quit the job to be at home again.

MY REFLECTION

Maybe there is anyone of you will judge me from these two major guilty that I had. To be true, I consider this as a great life lesson that really change who I am and the way I look into particular things that happen in my life. I had gone through a depression state where it really put me at the bottom wheel.

I believe that sometimes, if you feel your life is miserable, it might be the results of your own doing. I did a lot of self-reflections and prayers hoping for my soul will be given a plenty of courage to stay strong in any upcoming maters.

· Sometimes the job you really want is the job you already have

A good friend of mine, Ain Shuhaira, she told me that sometimes we adamantly want to fetch something that seems to be so far from us but actually it is something near us that we need the best.

I wanted to have back my career life but being a full time housewife and a mother is prioritized the most for me this time around. I don’t need to feel guilty for not having a job right now, I have to cherish every moments as a wife and a mother as much as I can, instead.

· There’s a time for everything but everything will walk under its own time frame

My husband always reminds me that I can’t have everything that I want at the same time. I have to learn to scarify things over the others. I wanted my career life back but I also keen to take care of my daughter by myself at the same time which is very impossible.

If I really wanted to be a career mom, I need the help from babysitter to take care of my daughter for at least from 8.00 – 5.00. On the other hand, if I wanted to take care of my daughter myself, I have to scarify my job. I have to learn to let go and be more easy- going.

In every choices that I make, there are always pros and cons. I just have to be more realistic in every path that I’m going to take.

· Find something that can make you feel contented

One of my 2019 resolutions is I want to do something that make me feel contented apart from filling my time only with house chores and motherly stuff. I found my passion in reading and writing long time ago and I really want to do them a lot this year.

· Stop complaining and remove excuses

Someone told me that if you don’t want to do it you will find an excuse. If you want to do it, you will find a way. It is really that simple. Please not be too easy with yourself and try to push yourself away from laziness.

If you stay too long in your comfort zone, you will find a difficulty of making even one move from your current position. There’s a lot to be explored in this duniya and don’t be a reason of your regret in the future.

· Be thankful to Allah for everything you have

Last but not least, I really hope that I can always praise Allah for everything He gave me. Because I know, a believer is rewarded for any hardship he endures. The more I thank to Allah the more pleasures that HE will give in return. At the end we are still His servant in this duniya.